What if I'm the anti-christ but don't want to be?

I used to be born-again but fell into satans trap into believing he is the holy God. I lost the spirit and Jesus is gone. Am I the anti-christ? I started bowing down to satan and obeyed his commandments. I started blasphemed Jesus and God and went crazy on the floor. I feel like I lost the spiritual battle by attacking the holy spirit inside me. I heard the voices tell me I wont enter paradise. Then satan was like HAHAHAAHAH And I started crying and seen visions of myself crucifying Jesus and charging him with sorcery. I seen myself descend to hell and Jesus said to me that he doesn't know me. I need help. My conscience is dying. I feel dead inside. And I am paranoid and freaked out. I cant relax I am so stiff. I need relaxation.